I love Florida.

This morning while driving to work, I was privileged enough to see an old, haggard man standing on the side of the road with a crudely-fashioned cross on his back.  The man wore sunglasses, a bandana over his gray hair, a wife-beater and jean shorts.  The cross was life-sized, but much thinner, being made out of oak beams from a construction site.  On the cross, in bright yellow, was the phrase JESUS IS LORD. 

Do you ever wonder why God chooses messengers that would really never inspire you to follow in their footsteps?  Moreso, why so many messengers of his faith seem to make your insides squirm, and make your mind waver somewhere between disgust and immediate flight?

To those of you who may not get to spend a year in the Can’t-Get-An-Election-Right state, I have compiled a list of rules, observations, and helpful tips about living in Flori-duh. 

·                     Having your glasses fog up when you walk outside is normal.  That's "humidity." 

·                     Churches!  And lots of 'em.  Do you need to stop, get out and pray just about every 200 feet?  If so, Florida is the state for you! 

·                     As an added bonus, most churches will post their apocalyptic and/or prophetic messages in Spanish!  So you get to learn roughly 15 random Spanish phrases on your way to work every day!  ¡REDENCION!

·                     As a third and FINAL church-related bonus, you will see police routinely called upon to flash their lights and slow all traffic at every one of the 15 churches on your way home every night!  While this may slow traffic to a crawl and make your commute even more hellish, at least the churchgoers will not be cutting you off across four lanes at 65 mph! 

·                     "Check-Cashing" is a legitimate, growing business.  Whether the banks are closed, your ID is a phony, or you just enjoy the challenge of scraping by with 92% of your take-home wages - this is the place for you. 

·                     "Check-Cashing" locations usually come in flocks - sometimes two or more within sight of each other.  Undoubtedly this is to catch the overflow of customers waiting in line. 

·                     For some reason, "Check-Cashing" places are infinitely more profitable when the sign is in Spanish.  ¿QUE?

·                     "NO THEY ISN'T" is a grammatically correct sentence, especially in staff meetings.

·                     No matter how fast you are going on any street, someone behind you will want to go faster.

·                     No matter how slow you are going on any street, someone in front of you will always be going slower.  Occasionally they will be in a tractor. 

·                     It is mandatory that every main road have either grotesque traffic, multiple ridiculous tolls, or stoplights every 45 feet.  This is to ensure that no one gets anywhere fast or gets too much time to think.

·                     Houses rarely have two floors; that's just silly.  Since basements would instantly flood, developers decided to "give up entirely" on any thought of more than one level in a domicile.  Architects still admire this glorious "fine, fuck-you" to nature - especially elderly architects, moving to Florida to retire. 

·                     Supermarkets may have security guards.  Some may say "Who the fuck wants eggs that bad?"  Oddly enough, supermarkets are usually poorly staffed, with long lines and few sentient employees.  But the safety of those few, idiotic employees is of paramount importance. 

·                     There are two kinds of restaurants in Florida; fast food, and Steak n Shake.  Steak n Shake is not considered fast food because they have waitresses. 

·                     Most communities are condo complexes; you only own the space from your walls in, you are forced to pay exorbitant monthly fees, and your vehicle may be towed at will by anyone with less than 5 teeth. 

·                     When you inevitably go to retrive your car from the towing junkyard, hats with fake boobs on the visor and the phrase "Bikini Inspector" are "professional decorations." 

·                     Towing your car from your driveway, moving it two blocks away, and storing it for 6 hours is a service to the community worth no less than $113.  However, people that park in your space, or sit outside with their stereo blaring rap at 84 decibels will never be towed. 

·                     If more than one person lives inside a junkyard, anyone with more than 4 teeth is officially "commander." 

·                     If more than two people live inside a junkyard, anyone with more than 7 teeth is officially "emperor." 

·                     Any large business will take the responsiblity that would be appropriate for two to three employees, and divide it among sixteen departments.  This creates "holes" for work to "fall into," necessitating the seventeenth department to manage things.  *

·                     You should never be selfish and hog your stereo all to yourself.  *

·                     In most states, directionals are optional; in Florida, they are simply removed for consistency.

·                     People that speed past you at 75 will end up diagonally behind you at the next stoplight.  They will still insist on passing you again.

·                     Driving a large SUV while talking on the phone is encouraged as a way to exude driving confidence and demonstrate competency.  *

·                     For maximum style, your stereo system and wheels should cost from 2-3 times the base value of your vehicle. 

·                     U-turns are the only method of getting to the other side of the street.  If you can drive to more than 2 locations without performing a U-turn, then you cheated. 

·                     The following activities will not prompt a police cruiser to pull you over or give you a ticket; Driving Drunk, Driving with Expired Plates, Driving with No Insurance, Driving with No Registration, Driving without a Driver's License, Driving while your Vehicle is On Fire with a Dead Hooker in the Back.  Generally one must be caught in a speeding trap, or crash into something - and stick around - in order to incur a traffic violation.  If caught speeding with any of the above infractions, you will only be given the ticket for speeding.

·                     Radio stations come in three main varieties; Rap/Hip-Hop/Bad Pop (35%), Country Music (31%), and Non-Stop Religious Crap (33%).  There is also NPR (0.5%) and one good rock station (0.5%). 

·                     Florida is the only state where a road can actually intersect itself (Goldenrod). 

* - May be true in other states.