Chick Filet is the Hot Bitch I’ll Never Have

It’s been years and years since I first learned about you – first saw you out of the corner of my eye at a distant mall, inquired to my friends, “Who is that?”  You looked so different…you offered such a different feel than the typical girls I knew…the regular but loveable Wendy, and that made-up whore Rhonda McDonald until I smartened up.  You weren’t like them...you were more rare, harder to find, harder to catch.  I had a taste, but I wanted more.

Over the years I have satiated my appetite with the standards – from KFC (Kelly Francisco) to Brenda Burgher-King, to “Polly Tropical,” that cute Dominican.  But you, Chick Filet…you are the one with the clever Cows as your ad campaign…rarely on TV, more often in print and occasional billboard.  You don’t advertise directly, but indirectly.  You are aloof in your hotness, and I love it. 

You know when I feel like stopping by, or maybe taking you out somewhere?  On Sundays – and when I stop by, you’re closed.  Gone to church on Sunday, like a good girl, eh?  It’s such a lie.  Girls like you are never good. 

Now, after all these years, there you finally are, in the mall across from my work.  Now that I am older, wiser, and making good money – here you are, suddenly making yourself available, right in front of me.  I should have figured as much.

But I can’t pass you up on such a delectable offer – so I stop in and check out what you’re selling.  And what do you have left, after all these years…some sad chicken sandwich?  What is that, a filet in a bun?  Oh my, pickles.  That’s it?  That’s the big hook?  What, have I been fantasizing over a wonder-bra all these years?

What else ya got?  Hmm, a chicken club…no bacon?  Do you not know what a “club” is?  My god!  No wonder you’re single.  There’s not even anything on this…no condiments.  You’re out there sharing this with everyone, and not using a single condiment??  I don’t think I even want to touch this.

Sure, your waffle fries are always attractive, and maybe we can have some fun…but I don’t think this is a permanent thing, Chick Filet.  You had the goods years ago, but like so many young girls, you wasted it in all the wrong ways.

-EO